Day 9 - Heading up today
Today I head up to the ironwood tree. I volunteer at the food hub from 10:30 – 12:30 and then I’ll get my final pack of things together and head up. I’ll be there for 4 nights and 5 days – returning on Sunday, March 3.
I’m almost finished with Pema’s book and I’m really glad I read it. It gives me some new tools for the vision quest. She taught me a Sanskrit word – Shenpa. Shenpa is the thing we go to when we want to leave the present moment. It is translated as “attachment.” If we have an addiction – it’s the addiction. It could be work or daydreaming, worrying, ruminating over the past. It could be shutting down, numbing out, going to sleep.
I keep going back to the traumatizing tenant situation. The impact of my childhood trauma was already there but the experience stirred it all up and brought it to the surface. I could feel it right there. It felt like it was very close by and I was doing anything I could to tamp it down. I have been practicing shenpa (or however I am supposed say that) with vigor ever since and as Pema Chodron described in her book – it’s like scratching poison ivy. If you scratch it – it can spread. If you scratch it – it gets worse. If you sit with the itch – and don’t scratch – it can heal. And that’s where I am now. I have been in this very intense period of shenpa and it causes suffering. I have been scratching by any means necessary. Weirdly, though, I have to sometimes break down words to remember them and for this word, it broke down to she n pa. The trauma from my father is the root of my challenges, so it strikes me as strange that the word for attachment brings me to the root of my pain. She and Pa.
I started practicing focused breath yesterday. I already do it in yoga but I was trying to do it all afternoon and evening and while it was very challenging, Pema explains that noticing when our mind moves away from the present isn’t good or bad or passing or failing – to just hold ourselves close. And to lean into the energy that we experience when we are present. To love the energy or emotions that arise. Clearly, Pema says it best. She shared an experience where she had a lot of energy come up and she was very uncomfortable with it. Interestingly, one of her teachers described that energy as enlightenment. Just renaming that energy made her less scared of leaning into it.
I slept well, here in the cabin. The wind blew and it rained but less intensely than the night before. I did scream once in my sleep – waking myself up. I don’t recall the dream. I went back to sleep in the early am and had a dream that I was driving to work (at my old job at Beth Israel in New York City.) I had my bags in my hands and when I looked back at my car – it still had a lot of things on the roof. But they weren’t my things. They were my ex-husband’s things – including a dress model – a female form. His things were on the hood of my car. Oh so some of the things I was carrying were not mine. Hmm. Interesting.
I am nervous. Who said the only thing to fear is fear itself? I’m not going to pretend that I know who said that – but I get that. I’m scared – but letting myself feel fear energy won’t kill me. These next 5 days – 4 nights will be about sitting with my poison ivy and not scratching the itch. And even if I want to – there is no phone. There is no food. No Netflix. No friends to talk to. There is dreaming. There is avoidance. I will go back to the breath, and I welcome any sleeping dreams with messengers and guidance. I have the sacred ironwood tree. And maybe I’ll see owl. Clouds, wind, rain, birds. Last time grasshoppers nibbled my toes. You can read about my last experience in my memoir.
In my last vision quest I did a lot of mantra and yoga – and that will be true again. But I also had a life in review – speaking aloud of my children, my childhood, my parents, my career, life lessons and all that. This time, I think it will be quieter. I’ll focus on the breath and allow what emerges to emerge. I’ll try not to keep myself busy.
See you on the other side.
Kriya – My phone was dead. I did my best to do the Kriya for Awakening to Your Ten Bodies from memory. It includes a mantra – Laya Yoga Meditation, which is described in the link and shows how the energy swirls through the chakras from the base to the crown. A couple of artists for this mantra include: Sat Kartar and Paramjeet Singh & Kaur.
Mantra – same, Ek Ong Kar (feels good to do it without an artist too), Mul Mantra and Ganpati Mantra with Hansu Jot.
Meal time – Oatmeal with Papaya is it for the day.
Inspiration – Pema Chodron – Taking the Leap – Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears
