Day 8 - fear

I’ll go on the vision quest because of the fear - not in spite of it - because of the wind - not in spite of it - because of the clouds - not in spite of them.

I spent another night in the cabin. The wind blew and the rain pelted. Waves of wind came crashing through and then would recede and then come again - like in sets. Again, I pondered, worried about the vision quest. Is it too much? I hoped for guidance in a dream and did not recall any. I inspected the condition of the tent and it was still standing! Resilient little tent! It had a small puddle which I sopped up but it was pretty dry in there! I did get wet going up there but it wasn’t cold.

Yes I’m doing the vision quest. I pondered the sacred ironwood tree and how strong it is. I thought about its name - iron wood. That is a strong tree. The ironwood tree is built for wind, for endurance. It is as powerful as iron. It is named for its strength and density. Scientific Name: Casuarina equisetifolia.

Perhaps I need to go forward with the vision quest because of the wind - not in spite of it. I can work through it, finding peace in the wind and water energy and remind myself that I am strong - like the ironwood tree. While the ironwood tree holds me safe, she can teach me about that strength - strength in chaos, adversity, self doubt and worry. I can face into the wind - receive its messages, be with purifying wind and rain and when it’s too much - go into the womb - my orange tent - my cave.

I’ll join you dear ironwood tree. I may tremble, I may cry - but I’ll join you in the wild world that we live in.

I am still driven by distraction and see my phone as a baby’s pacifier. I truly feel, at this point, that the vision quest is important for this reason too - to break me from the need for constant comfort and distraction. I’ll probably whimper in the wind for my paci. (yes I had to google to see how to spell that.) My phone would not charge today and I kept trying to fiddle with the charger and it broke! Thank you universe. I shut it off. I’ll get it juiced up before I leave tomorrow and have it shut down, in case of emergency.

Kriya - Cleansing and Detoxifying the Liver finishing with Icing on the cake. While I do the wheel pose, (or backbend) every day, in this kriya, it is suggested to hold for 4-minutes, breathing in through the nose, out through the nose, in through the mouth, out through the mouth and continued in that sequence. I can usually hold the pose for two minutes maximum and today made it to two and a half minutes - then my arms were exhausted. I transitioned, as a modification, to the bridge pose - shoulders on the ground, hands holding ankles with pelvis raised. This was more challenging on my buttocks and thighs at this point - because I was tired and gave my arms the rest. The other challenging part of this kriya was sitting down and standing up again, with no hands - 52 times. I gave a hand push on the ground to get from my bottom to squatting on my feet - likely because of my knees. And then the standing up from the squat takes thigh energy and is challenging and powerful. It reminded me of the power we need to stand up again when we fall down. It was tiring and empowering. try it!

Mantra -Same - Ek Ong Kar, Mul Mantra, Ganpatri mantra and today added Wayanti (how they spelled it.) by Dharm Khalsa. The Wayanti (or Wah Yante as I usually see it written) mantra is for creativity and intuition.

Meal time - Oatmeal with bananas, papaya and walnuts. Lunch - roasted chickpeas with avocado, salad greens and balsamic vinaigrette.

Inspiration - I felt guilty when I broke my “no streaming” rule and watched the Bachelor last night. Aaah distraction. But I’m putting it here under inspiration - which may feel counterintuitive but I was impressed with Joey’s vulnerability (they were in Canada) and with the remaining women’s ability to be vulnerable, as well, and for the whole world to watch. I’m so impressed with these women sharing their challenges, their needs.

Pema Chodron’s “Taking the Leap - Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears.” I’m curling up with this book today. Rainy and windy outside - good day for reading.