What Holds You Steady?

Food (and other crutches)

My foundation for self care is a three legged stool - my daily kundalini yoga practice, healthy food and adequate sleep. And each leg relies on the other. When one starts to wobble, the whole structure is at risk.

My stool fell this year - its legs slowly weakened and fell to the ground. I thought it was sturdy so I started paying a little less attention to it. When it wobbled, I thought it was fine.

But it’s okay. I think I needed to embody the understanding - my sat nam - that I can’t take the sturdiness of my stool for granted. Just because it was strong and steady yesterday doesn’t mean it will always be that way. It doesn’t mean I can invest in it less.

And just because it feels like a pile of broken pieces today - doesn’t mean it won’t be sturdy again.

Illustration by Lily Moon from my memoir, “Field Notes on Letting Go - a memoir of truth-seeking, healing, and personal freedom.”

Tommy Rosen, recovery expert, author, kundalini yoga teacher, podcaster and founder of Recovery 2.0 describes addiction as “any behavior you continue to do, despite the fact that it brings negative consequences into your life.” (Access full youtube discussion here.) Tommy Rosen describes addiction as a frequency - like on a radio dial - and through kundalini yoga’s breathwork, meditation and mantra, the practitioner can move that dial and connect with a different energetic frequency - rising to a level where they are no longer in alignment with the frequency of addiction. Even when one is no longer engaging in the addictive behavior - for example - no longer drinking, no binge eating or no obsessive shopping - if they are “white knuckling” it and it takes up space in the mind - they aren’t there yet. Tommy Rosen explains that stopping the behavior is only part of it. There is still work to do. He explains the four aggravations - negative thinking, self doubt, procrastination and resentment. Tommy Rosen sees addiction like an entity, “hitting us at each level of human experience - mentally, physically and spiritually.” Treatment has to go beyond one approach and treat at every level.

Gabor Mate, trauma expert, doctor, author of the Myth of Normal (and other books) states that many addiction “experts” are not trauma-informed. He also explains the difference between abstinence and sobriety. He talks about the pain that we have to work through without the coping mechanism. Dr. Gabor Mate explains in a Doug Bopst’s Podcast “The Adversity Advantage” (and many other interviews) that the work starts AFTER the abstinence. Recovery is to “get back.” We get back our selves. Healing means wholeness. All the cut off parts of ourselves can be reconnected. Trauma does NOT destroy. It cuts us off. Recovery is the reclaiming of our true selves. It is always available to us. Dr. Mate explains, “Suffering can be used as a teacher - not just an enemy to get rid of.” “Instead of looking at the addiction - look at the trauma. Trauma is a wound.” Dr. Gabor Mate does not like the word addict - he would rather someone describe themselves as “a human being that used something to soothe their pain for a while.”

I thought my food issues were behind me. I dropped the weight, was living a healthy lifestyle and feeling really good. It was easier to move around, easier to get in challenging kundalini yoga postures, a joy to have all my clothes loose and I felt more attractive, which led to increased confidence. I thought that was it! Conquered! Done! Unfortunately, the witch bearing treats and temptations of calming potions found me again. The release of my healing memoir, left me in a vulnerable state in my family and in the world. And the next layer of healing was a biggie - terror.

In the memoir, I wrote about my connection with an ironwood tree - a sacred tree I first encountered in a dream and then in reality, in Hawaii. I often sat beneath her branches and she held me safe during my vision quest. In the book, I described the warning she gave me. When I cut off one of her dead branches, her branch swung and hit me, knocking me to the ground. Letting the dead weight go wounded both of our trunks. And I received her warning. Releasing my book and the energies with it would knock me to the ground. Gravity would pull me down and it would take some time to get up again. I was prepared for the outcome - judgement, walking alone and all that - but I didn’t know my food crutch would come back and I didn’t know it would be so hard to shake. I believe that I am fine walking alone in my truth. I am fine feeling different. I am fine following my unique path - even if my family doesn’t understand it or me. But I guess while that’s true in theory - in reality - the associated emotions, the disrupted family dynamic, the separation in relationships and the energetic release were hard to manage and that’s where the witch and her sweets came in. And I tricked myself into thinking I could handle it - that I was sturdy enough - I could handle loosening up a bit - both with food and with my sadhana.

In my sixth year of a daily sadhana, I started cutting back on the chanting - adding new mantras and letting some go. Then I decided it was okay to start my practice a bit later, 5:00 or 6:00 am and now I do it as late as 7:00 am. I stopped practicing my daily “Lessons from Uncomfortable Positions” after an injury made me unable to hold some of the postures. I fell down this summer on a slippery rock and broke two ribs. I wrote about it in Lessons From Falling Down. Maybe this was a warning too - that falling down is part of a spiritual journey - knowing deeply what stumbling feels like. And knowing that it’s okay to fall down — again. In fact, some times it’s unavoidable! I fought so hard for so many years - I didn’t think I would fall AGAIN. And just because a person works very hard to rebuild after a fall - doesn’t mean it’s permanent - doesn’t mean they won’t ever fall again. Maybe I needed to understand that life can lead to lots of falls. There may be infinite falls. We can lie still for a while - comfort our wounds and may even fall back into addiction. We can allow ourselves to feel the emotions of some of our most painful moments and let some toxic relationships end. Maybe next time I’ll learn to steady the stool earlier, promptly, avoiding a crash. Maybe I’ll notice the subtle shake in one of its legs and address it right away.

I have never felt more free - so then why did my stool get shaky and fall? While I was born into a family where I agreed to comply with a false narrative, I ripped up the contract and let it fly away in the wind. I wrote my own script. I wrote my healing memoir. Oddly, I feel more ashamed of my food issues than of my sexual molestation. Shouldn’t I be able to control myself? Eating too much makes me feel embarrassed - especially when there are so many hungry people in the world. Gluttony is a sin and a distraction from spiritual growth. Distraction - that’s what I’ve been practicing - distraction by any means necessary. My distraction practice overpowered my spiritual practice - fear took over. Whether eating, thinking about eating, scrolling on my phone, pulling tarot cards or binge watching a series on my computer, I was finding it harder to sit still. Losing my mind has been my greatest fear ever since I was a child and releasing my terror is the next item in my healing path, like it or not. It’s time to allow the terror to find its way out. Let’s flip this around - what are the opportunities here? Power to embody. Belief in myself to shine. I know I’ll get there. This is my next poison to alchemize - turning pain into power - an initiation with earned wisdom.

As Dr. Gabor Mate and Tommy Rosen explain - it’s not about the addiction - it’s about the wound. What is my original wound? My addiction to food or food for comfort started when I was a little girl. It stems from betrayal - being hurt by someone I loved. Being hurt by someone that I trusted - having my heart pierced, bloodied and left to die. I still have a level of denial - disbelief that someone I loved and loved me would destroy me.

But right when I say that - that I was destroyed - I know it’s not true. It feels like it in moments - but no one has that much power. No one can destroy me. No one can destroy you. Sometimes we may feel ruined. Feel wrecked. I may roll around in powdered sugar for a while. But then I stand tall and feel the gift - the gift of freedom. The freedom that is written in my new contract.

So here I am, ten pounds heavier, stiff joints, clothes tight, craving sugar and wondering - what do I do now?

It’s called a relapse. or as Tommy Rosen states, “a temporary return to self-harming behavior that was previously released.” You can listen to Tommy explain relapse, in his piece - “Will I ever get this thing?” He explains that we have to make ourselves an “unwelcome host” for addiction. Which makes me ponder - I have to maintain the sturdiness of my stool every single day. And when people think I’m rigid, or too intense, or too disciplined - I have to remind myself that they don’t know about my stool. They don’t know that without it - I will get wobbly. It may happen gradually over months, but I will fall and it’s harder to put it back together than it is to keep it from falling. Maybe I needed this lesson because that’s how I learn - through my life experience. I’m not one to learn from other people’s life experience - my lessons are embodied through living them. That’s how I know them. So now I know this.

Badger helped me. Badger and its child visited me in a dream. I appreciate both the parent and child visiting me, as it reminds me that my healing is both for my child self and for my adult person. Yesterday I got the repeat message by picking Badger in an oracle card. Badger bares its sharp teeth and its reputation precedes it - don’t fuck with Badger. Badger teaches us to be aggressive in our approach - to not give up without a fight. Badger gets to the root of the matter - a powerful healer. Badger believes in their methods - they walk their talk. And so can we. Honor Badger wisdom. Dare to get to the root - dare to bare your sharp teeth and be aggressive in cutting away that dead wood. That’s the medicine from Badger.

Learning lessons and wisdom from Badger.

Credit: Power Animal Oracle Cards: Practical and Powerful Guidance from Animal Spirit Guides Cards – March 15, 2006, Stephen D Farmer, PhD.

The solution is the same as it was when my marriage fell apart 10 years ago - focus on my spiritual practice. Focus on the pre-dawn, morning sadhana. I’ll set that alarm again for 3:50 am. I’ll lovingly apply almond oil on my skin - soothing my wounds. I’ll step into the scalding freezing water (which never stopped) and then to the mat. And I’ll keep my life simple for a while - with a regimented day. Meals are simple. As similiar to the regularity of a sadhana - repetition of simple, whole ingredients. And I’ll quit caffeine again, (I add reluctantly.) And all my other healing practices - prayer, earth-love, writing, animals, pickleball/tennis/walks/swimming/paddling, friends & kids.

I’ll end this with wisdom from Wendy, my therapist. She’s not worried about me. She reminds us to hold ourselves, love our selves, comfort ourselves. She reminds me that I’m couragous. As I imagine Wendy’s guidance, I recall a blog I wrote in 2019 - Part time warrior - it reminds me that even a warrior trips sometimes and skins a knee - here’s part of it:

Some days, the warrior stumbles and can still skin a knee.

When there is a trigger – an old hurt somehow creeps back in.

It settles in for a moment.

With an urge to fall back.

But instead of falling – instead of scolding or running away – or getting mad at oneself

The warrior sits down with intention and lets the tears flow – like a cleanse – like warm waves washing over.

Without fear, knowing it’s temporary – it’s okay.

Rest. Sleep. Say a prayer. Go slow. Be quiet.

Stroke the warrior’s head. Cradle its face and smile into its eyes. 

There’s a strength, looking humbly within.

Wanting to be better.

Daring to see the parts not needed anymore.

Giving thanks for their protection.

Saying goodbye and seeing them to the door. 

I checked in with my higher self, my spirit team and they assured me that I was safe to release my terror - it’s an old energy that has no power over me. My spirit team will hold me close and ensure I am in a safe place for the release when the timing is right. They love me and hold me dear.

Sat nam - Gravity pulls us down sometimes - and it’s okay. The ironwood tree warned me that the ancestral pattern would take one final swing - before laying to rest. It’s time to go, witch with poisonous potions, time for you to go.