Find the Lesson

Every relationship is a teacher. Our relationship with our insides is reflected in our relationships with others. How do you manage relationships when conflict hits? You have choices. As my therapist Wendy says, "you get to decide.”  You can walk away.  You can be the quiet observer. You get to decide which relationships have earned the right to have access to your full self and which ones should be maintained at surface level or somewhere else in the spectrum of engagement. You can pay attention to what happens when you share your insides and set intentional boundaries - not treating all equal when it comes to setting that line. Access to the full spectrum of you is a gift - not to be handed out freely. 

Recently, someone close to me accused me of judging them for their behavior. I was offended, defensive and hurt that someone who I thought I knew and thought knew me, would think I was capable of being petty - over something little - something not even on my radar. The accusation caused the person to believe that they couldn’t enjoy themselves because of what I said. That I ruined their day. Their happiness was taken away and I took it. “How dare I take their happiness? How dare I look down on them. How dare I, as a sober yogi, do this and do that.'‘

I defended myself and realized that there was no convincing them that it was some kind of misunderstanding, in a noisy and crowded environment - there was no convincing - and I wouldn’t apologize for something that I didn’t do. I was ready to cut them off - walk away. I was hard in my conviction of not allowing false accusations into my peaceful world.

I have fought hard for my peace and now it was invaded. Invaded with anger, texts and emails. And it wasn’t the first time. We were at a standstill. So now what?

We parted ways with anger, hurt and frustration - how could the situation be resolved? How does one manage relationship conflict? What was the lesson here? After a few days of thinking about it (a lot) - I think I found it.

We can’t control how people view the world. I may see green - they may see blue - and both are true. We can witness the same event and have different impressions of it. Our relationships with the world reflect the relationship within ourselves. Even if I feel that I didn’t do what I was accused of - in their mind, in their eye - I did. So it is real for them. That’s the truth. I can’t control that.

We can’t teach other people their life lessons - that’s for them to learn on their own time. But if I could? I would help them receive the gift. The gift that I can’t take their happiness. I can’t ruin their day with a perceived look or a word - I don’t have the power to do that. No one does. I would hope that we all can take ownership of the life experience and not let someone redefine a moment for us. Don’t give away your power so that someone’s look or words can ruin a state of mind - a state of being. A spiritual practice helps with that - maintaining home within one’s self. A safe place. And my lesson? I can’t control other’s view of the world or of me. I may live my own version of a life of sat nam - but it may be triggering to others. I’m changing and not everyone likes it. But I’m still a young student in the space of conflict. This was another practice session - another opportunity to feel my own security and allow chaos to be what it is. And not get sucked into it.

Homework to self: Try not to get defensive if someone paints you in a lower light than you feel. Allow it. Listen enough to feel the full spectrum of the message and its full spectrum of truths. Take ownership for the parts that you may be missing. Articulate your own truth and know they are different truths. Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do. But don’t deny them their truth either. Try to keep your heart open for this person and the pain they are experiencing. Add them to morning prayer. After assessing the situation - decide to what degree a boundary should be set with this person and any other changes to make going forward.

It reminded me of something I wrote in my memoir. It’s from the essay, “An Ancient Cry” starting on page 249. I had a warning from the ironwood tree that revealing the truth of my past and breaking ancestral patterns would be met with resistance and would sting before its final release. The tree warned me of this.

“Authoring this book may sting my trunk with judgement and reaction from others. It may hurt. It may reverberate. It may be uncomfortable. It may cause reactions like a chemical sequence, taking time to clear. I feel the powerful oppositional force against the truth. The shame, secrecy, harm and ancestral pattern is deeply rooted and doesn’t want to let go…… The judgement and opinions of others will be worth it because, thanks to eagle, I can see the long view and know I am free to tell my own story. It’s my story to tell. After a final swing, the ancestral resistance will fade away. And the release won’t only clear energy from the past but into the future. By bringing the wound out from the shadows, I don’t just free myself, I free the hidden energy that bubbles up in my family - an energy that pops up unexpectedly. It is a pressured energy that causes harm.

I own my power. I own my story. It is free and so am I.”

I will live my life - do my best to be kind to others - apologize where and when mistakes are made and accept that not everyone will like my life or me. Keep walking. Walking in sat nam. For truth.

Love, Janet