You'll See

You’ll See

It was 2015 and I was settling into our new home on Beston Street in downtown Amherst.  Marriage ended, starting a new life.  I was quietly unpacking a box of books and little artifacts, putting things in their new place.

I found a journal from our days in Brooklyn, where we lived from 1988 to 2004.  I casually leafed through it. I didn’t recall the journal and stumbled upon a dream I had documented that I had no recollection of. 

A dream from when I was pregnant with Grafton in Brooklyn – It was 1:45 pm on September 10, 1993.  The journal was full of entries both recovering from our first baby’s death - Joe Moody Brown - and chronicling my fear, love and everything else through our subsequent pregnancy with Grafton.

I described the man in my dream as a messenger or a medicine man  We were outside – seated at a table. I think he was of Indian heritage.  He spoke to me without introducing himself or explaining why I was there. I interrupted and asked what was going on. He said something that I couldn’t hear. 

I put my hand to my ear. “I’m sorry, I’m hard of hearing. I can’t hear you.”  And he said, “That’s not true.”  (which I heard.) 

 “I just said I was hard of hearing because I didn’t want you to feel bad.”   

“You aren’t meant to be married in this lifetime.” 

I started leaving him - floating away. He said, “You’ll see.”  He said it almost like a gentle song. “You’ll see.”

Then there was an intense vibration and I was sucked out of my body.  I was flying through the atmosphere – up in the stars – I had no fear – I was void of fear – it was beautiful flying through the universe – completely free and peaceful.  I blinked my eyes. It was crystal clear as we flew over a small town, blanketed in snow with a church steeple.

And I was sucked back into my physical body -- standing on the earth with my arms stretched up.  I shouted up to him – up in the sky, “I love Dean. I want to grow old with him!” 

But no words came out of my mouth.

Interesting that I had forgotten the dream and never read that entry again, until years later, when I was single, settling into the healing home that we created for myself, my children, our pets and now for our visitors from all over the globe through our Air BNB - Rosehip26 – a place for relaxation and healing.  The universe swirls them into our home.  Gifts are exchanged.

I pondered the dream this morning after yoga and before mantra.  Every once in a while it drifts back to me for contemplation.  I live in that small town now with the blanket of snow.  I’m a different person than I was when I had that dream.  I’m on a healing journey.  Healing from the inside out.  Maybe the messenger and I will meet again – or maybe he guides me everyday.